A Myth of the Dkuom

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Omzinesý
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A Myth of the Dkuom

Post by Omzinesý » Tue 26 Sep 2017, 16:20

I'm going to translate this into Vtayn. Is there bad mistakes with English?

In First Era, people were children. Treecats spent most of their time in Dark World. Both people and treecats got their nourishment from nature. It was abundant because Light World was still young. But Coxa [Sun] doesn’t let anything stay unchanged in Light World. Savannah replaced the great forests of fruit trees. Saber cats appeared with savannah. Treecats also needed to struggle to get their food.
Boys lived in their mothers’ villages, like girls. But one man called Cambla [Shaman’s apprentice] used to wander in the savannah. He met a young treecat called Lïkieda [Young Treecat]. Lïkieda was starving. Cambla gave him jerga [a domestic animal] milk. Lïkieda followed Camba to his mother’s village. But when they arrived, they saw that saber cats had killed all the jergas. That made Lïkieda very angry with them because he liked jerga milk very much. Then he sent his spirit to Dark World and forbid saber cats coming to the village.
When people of other villages heard of how Lïkieda had saved the village, they also invited treecats to live with them. Thus, adolescent boys were sent to other villages wandering with a cat [an initiation ritual]. Thereafter treecats have lived with people, protected them, and helped shamans. And adolescent boys and treecats have been sent to other villages.
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Re: A Myth of the Dkuom

Post by elemtilas » Sat 30 Sep 2017, 21:08

Omzinesý wrote:I'm going to translate this into Vtayn. Is there bad mistakes with English?
Nothing horrendous. Mostly dropped definite articles that are actually undroppable. I tried to keep stylistic edits to a minimum and in a couple places added a word where I thought a more idiomatic rendering might suit. Keep or ignore the edits as you please!

I also ask some questions at the end referring back to sentences that either didn't make sense or could have been slightly expanded upon.
In the First Era, people were like children.(1) The Treecats spent most of their time {with}in the Dark World. Both people and treecats got their nourishment from nature.(2) It was abundant because the Light World was still young. But Coxa [Sun] doesn’t let does not allow anything stay to remain unchanged in the Light World. Savannah replaced the great forests of fruit trees. Saber cats appeared along with the savannah. Treecats also needed to struggle to get their food. (3)
Boys lived in their mothers’ villages, like girls. (4) But one man called Cambla [Shaman’s apprentice] used to wander in the savannah. One time he met a young treecat called Lïkieda [Young Treecat]. Lïkieda was starving. Cambla gave him jerga [a domestic animal] milk. Lïkieda followed Cambla to his mother’s village. But when they arrived, they saw that saber cats had killed all the jergas the people's jerga herd. That made Lïkieda very angry with them This angered Likieda very much because he liked jerga milkvery much.(5) Then he sent his spirit to the Dark World and forbid forbade saber cats from ever coming to the village again.
When people of the other villages heard of how Lïkieda had saved the Cambla's village, they also invited treecats to live with them. Thus, adolescent young boys were sent to other villages wandering with a cat [an initiation ritual]. Thereafter treecats have lived with people, protected protecting them, and helped helping the shamans. And adolescent boys and treecats have been sent to other villages. (6)


(1) --- Do you mean that people behaved in a childlike manner, or that they were actual children or that they were treated the way elders treat children?

(2) --- Might want to specify a little here. Kind of goes without saying that living beings get their nourishment from nature. What particular source did they get nourishment from?

(3) --- who is the other part of the "also". In other words, who else was struggling to find food? You might also consider explaining what happened to lead to this dire situation. Why are treecats struggling for food?

(4) --- Is this people or treecats?

(5) --- Crying over spilled milk seems to be a bit much. Since this is a mythic story, is there also a component of gratitude towards Cambla that is driving Likieda's anger towards the sabercats?

(6) --- This seems to be a repetition (scribal error?) that doesn't go anywhere.
All in all, a good origin myth! Or leastways the germ of one. I think it will make a fine translation exercise. Perhaps eventually you'll revisit it and expand upon it. If I had any issue with it, it would be that it's too short. In my perspective, I would read this as the one or perhaps two pivotal paragraphs extracted from a rather longer story. That introduces the Light and Dark worlds, the people and the treecats that live in each, the struggle that comes upon them and leads to their present situation and perhaps an amplification of how Cambla and Likieda learned to work together for the good of both peoples.
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If we stuff the whole chicken back into the egg, will all our problems go away? --- Wandalf of Angera
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Re: A Myth of the Dkuom

Post by Omzinesý » Mon 02 Oct 2017, 10:10

Thank you, elementaris, very much.
I'm always struggling with articles. Either I use them everywhere or leave them out if I don't see a clear reason to have one. Never the right number of them.

For my translation I must neglect many of your discourse corrections, just to make translation easier. That's also why it's the text is that short.

I'm rather intending to make a bunch of myths that don't need to be a coherent epoch. It tries to be a part of their folklore and presupposes some background knowledge.

I'll think about your suggestion with a better time. The deictic things, who is who, must be corrected at least.
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