Jokes

[eldin raigmore]

So, a Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers*, and says "I'd like five* beers, please".

Spoiler:

* V

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Know how seven can be half of twelve?

XII is twelve, right?

Now look at the top half of XII.

That looks like VII, which is seven, right?

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A father was very upset with his daughter for coming home so late from her date.
She said, "But, Daddy, you said to be home by a quarter of twelve, and three is a quarter of twelve".

[Shemtov]

A Jewish (Ashkenazi) Joke:
There is a town in Poland called Chelm, were everyone is a fool. Once a Chelmer named Berel Stein was going to Warsaw. Now, Warsaw is just over a hill from Chelm. So Berel went up the hill in the early morning. At the top, there was a tree and a stream, so he took a drink from the stream and sat under tree to rest. "But," he thought "I might fall asleep, and I won't know my way!" So he took off his shoes, pointed them toward Warsaw, and fell asleep. An anti-Semite saw this, and just to play a trick he pointed the shoes toward Chelm. Berel awoke an hour later, put on his shoes and went on his way. When he entered Warsaw,it looked like Chelm! It was time for the evening prayers so he went to the synagogue, which to his surprise was in the same place as in Chelm! After prayers, they asked him"Back so soon, Berel? How was Warsaw?" "Warsaw? I am in Warsaw! Why are all you Chelmers here?" He told them his story. The Wise Man of Chelm said "Nu, so they shoes show we're in Warsaw. But it looks like Chelm! A Dybbuk must have transported us here when we came to the Synagogue. Come, Nu, let's go back to Chelm." They went outside and saw their wives. The wise man spoke "Our wives have been transported here, too! Nu, everything is just like in Chelm. Let's live in Warsaw and call it Chelm!"

[DrGeoffStandish]

A Swedish joke, maybe difficult to translate to English but let's give it a try:

• • A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Come on tomato sauce, let's go!"
    
    

Lost in translation, indeed.

[thaen]

A Swedish joke, maybe difficult to translate to English but let's give it a try:

• • A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Come on tomato sauce, let's go!"
    
    

Lost in translation, indeed.

We have something similar in English. It ends something along the lines of He smashes her and says "ketchup!" (Catch up)

[Dormouse559]

Are we having fun yet? Well, not if it's English. From what I hear, Ancient Greek conjugal visits would be a riot.

[Lao Kou]

[eldin raigmore]

Did anyone see the very-late-Ancient just-before-Medieval Roman jokes in the last one-page column of the current Scientific American?

Example (And I'm sure this is in the public domain by now! (as the article says, "the first time this joke got a laugh, the Dead Sea only had a bad cough.".)
A guy sees a eunuch talking to a pretty young woman, and asks another guy:
"Is that his wife?"
Second guy says "Eunuchs don't have wives!"
First guy: "Oh. Must be his daughter."

[Dormouse559]

This an ad for a language-learning program. It could read as either "Stop massacring English" or "Stop massacring the Englishman".

[eldin raigmore]

This an ad for a language-learning program. It could read as either "Stop massacring English" or "Stop massacring the Englishman".

So why is he wearing a plaid (the garment) made out of tartan (the material) dyed/woven in a brecan (the pattern)?

[Dormouse559]

I'm sure, given the long history of friendly, non-competitive and culturally sensitive relations between France and England, the French take special care to depict English people in culturally appropriate garb.

[ol bofosh]

His bowler hat got knocked off, so obviously they needed some other way to identify him.

[Squall]

I am bad with jokes, but let me try...

A guy traveled to Sweden and talked with his family with telephone.
-Where are you?
-I am calm.

Stockholm in Portuguese is Estocolmo (/esto'kɔwmu/) and it sounds like "Estou calmo" (/es'tow 'kawmu/, be-PRS.1SG calm).

[Dormouse559]

My French-English translation teacher showed us one. It's apparently quite a bad pun. The native francophone among us groaned when he got it.

- Pourquoi est-ce que les dirigeants de la Banque centrale europénne dînent ensemble avant leurs réunions?
- Parce que le rot* ne se fait qu'après un bon repas.

- Why do the leaders of the European Central Bank eat together before their meetings?
- Because the burp* is only made after a good meal.

* "Le rot" /lə ʁo/ (the burp) sounds somewhat like "l'euro" /lœʁo/ (the euro).

[prettydragoon]

The Japanese just can't stop making their writing system ever more complex. Now they have created a special script for stories about anthropomorphic animals: furrygana.

[loglorn]

I had to control my laughter in order not to wake up the other people in the house. I did not succeed.

[Dormouse559]

Je vous avais dit au téléphone: "vue sur la mère!"
I told you on the phone: "view of the mother!"

La mère "the mother" and la mer "the sea" are homophones in French, so the tenant gets to look at a lovely old woman instead of the deep blue sea.

[Birdlang]

A guy walks into a restaurant carrying a dancing tomato. The tomato says "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!!!!! Yeah yeah yeah yeah There he go there he go there he go there he go!"

[Birdlang]

The Japanese just can't stop making their writing system ever more complex. Now they have created a special script for stories about anthropomorphic animals: furrygana.

That is REAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FUNNY!!!!!"

[Birdlang]

Je vous avais dit au téléphone: "vue sur la mère!"
I told you on the phone: "view of the mother!"

La mère "the mother" and la mer "the sea" are homophones in French, so the tenant gets to look at a lovely old woman instead of the deep blue sea.

That is a weird pun. I don't get it.

[Dezinaa]

That is a weird pun. I don't get it.

Dormouse explained it. Mère and mer are both pronounced /mɛʁ/, so it's a French pun.